If they had a Guinness world record for goofiest world record, washing-machine throwing would be right up there with cramming cigarettes in your mouth, growing metre-long fingernails and cramming into Volkswagens. Throwing a washing machine for distance? If the world's fattest twins ever saw this they'd laugh so hard they'd fall off their mopeds.
But there's no making fun of Dariusz Slowik.
First of all, he's doing this to raise money for cancer research. Secondly, in terms of risk vs. reward, making fun of people who are strong enough to pick up and throw washing machines isn't worth it.
So, while it's tempting to say something like: How many Polish guys does it take to throw a washing machine, restraint is vital when the answer is: One, and he's six-foot-five and 265 pounds.
So it is with a completely straight face that we introduce the man who'll be manhandling the Maytag during the U of A Invitational track meet in mid-January.
CRAZY STUNTS
"I like doing crazy stunts like this, doing something extreme to really test your limits,'' said Slowik, an Olympic-calibre discus thrower from Poland who's now settled in Edmonton. "But it's also important to do them as fundraisers. Cancer affects everybody. Everybody knows somebody or has somebody who has been affected by it.''
Slowik's latest stunt might look like the movie set of The Incredible Hulk meets Martha Stewart, but it's not the craziest thing he's ever done. In Winnipeg last year, he and a friend pushed a Dodge Neon 54 km in 10 hours to raise money for a 10-year-old boy with stomach cancer.
"People are impressed when somebody finishes a marathon,'' said Slowik's trainer Ian Maplethorpe, himself a former hammer thrower. "Imagine going 12 km farther than a marathon while pushing a car.''
We can't. Driving 54 km in a Dodge Neon would be taxing enough, pushing one that far boggles the mind.
"That's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life,'' grinned Slowik, who'll be competing at the world championships (discus, not appliance throwing) next year in Helsinki. "We only took one break, for 10 minutes, the rest of those 10 hours we were pushing. Every little hill, even if it was just two degrees, was so hard.''
The pair's sore muscles were eased by the fact they raised $10,000 for the sick boy.
"It was really worth it to help him out and get people aware,'' said Slowik. "A lot of people in this world don't care unless it affects them. A person with cancer? They don't want anything to do with it. So we do some crazy stunts to help those people, make people aware of what they're going through and maybe help find a cure. If I can make a difference like that I'm going to do it.''
Even when he's struggling himself. Slowik is ranked in the top 20 in the world and a lock for the next Olympic team, but like most amateur athletes in Canada, the 27-year-old is barely getting by. If his friends weren't supplying his room and board and training him for free, he wouldn't be getting by at all. But they see him as an incredible talent who can't go to waste - a sleeper, like Edmonton cyclist Lori-Ann Muenzer, who's capable of shocking the world if given half a chance.
And they marvel at how much he's willing to give back before he even has anything himself.
"There's a lot of self-centered athletes out there,'' said Maplethorpe. "And here's this guy with nothing, who is literally living hand to mouth, and he's out there raising money for people who are less fortunate. That's a tribute to him.''
WANTS TO PULL A TRAIN
The friendly giant also has his eye on the record for pulling a train or a 747, but right now there's a washing machine that needs chucking.
How do you train for something like that?
"With washing machines, how else?'' shrugged Slowik. "Trail Appliances gave me a few to practise with. It has to be a functioning washer that weighs at least 103 pounds. We practised the other day with a 200-pound machine and did 14 feet. It's awkward to hold, but when we get a lighter one it should be a joke.''
But Slowik's gesture isn't. How many Polish guys does it take to throw a washing machine? One, and his heart is as big as his muscles.
"In Winnipeg I spent a lot of time at the children's hospital when Jonathon was getting chemo,'' he said.
"You see all these kids, all of them sick with cancer, and when you walk out of there you see how many people just don't appreciate life,'' said Slowik, who'll be at Trail on Saturday with his pledge forms. "I learned in the last five or six years to appreciate things a lot more.
"I don't have much, but I'm happy and I want to help people.''